Male Pattern Baldness

My good friend suffers from a rare disease known as male pattern baldness. He tries to play it off like he doesn’t care, but when it comes down to it; he’d rather have hair.

I can understand. Well, actually I can’t. I still have all my hair, unlike my loser friend.

Anyway, you can only wear a baseball cap so much before it starts to look forced. Plus, no one recognizes you at church if they’ve never seen you sans headgear, which isn’t entirely a bad thing.

However, baldness is a tough reality to deal with. I mean how many women do you see stroking their fingers through Don Rickles bald scalp?

That’s right, none.

However, there are guys who make it work, take the following examples:

• Patrick Stewart — Best known as Captain Picard on Star Trek The Next Generation and Professor X of the X-men movies. Pros: He not only made bald work with his Shakespearian acting skills, he also pulled off those silly Star Trek pajamas. Cons: Unless your lady speaks Klingon, she’s probably not impressed. She may know him from the X-men films, but you know she only went to those to check out Hugh Jackman, who happens to have magnificent locks of hair.

• Bruce Willis — Best known for kicking terrorist butts in Die Hard, and not knowing he’s a dead dude. Pros: Okay, Bruce started out with hair, but now there is none. However that changed with time, but he’s still able to bring John McClain to the silver screen in all his crashing cars into helicopters glory. Cons: He did lose his lady to a younger man. A younger man whose most distinguishing characteristic is his beautiful hair.

• Sean Connery — Best known for being James Bond and Indiana Jones’ dad, which if you think about are really the same thing. Pros: Even as he progressed into grandpa hood, Sean never lost his sex appeal. Cons: As it turns out, Sean hasn’t been in a decent movie since he was Indy’s dad, and that was in 1989. Also, he admits being a chauvinist, not the best way to get a lady born after 1918.

• Michael Jordan — Best known for being Michael Jordan. Pros: He’s arguably the most celebrated basketball star of all time and a legendary athlete, and girls’ dig athletes. Cons: You’re never going to be Michael Jordan. In fact, you’ll never even be Kobe Bryant, or even Carlos Boozer. Just give up the dream already.

• Jason Stathem — Best known for Crank. Pros: Jason exudes sexiness. He’s young, buff and plays tough guys. Cons: You’d actually have to sit through one of the Crank movies to understand his appeal. It's not worth it.